Co-regulation: 6 Somatic Body Based Practices for Intimacy & Connection
Co-regulation is a powerful and primal process for calming the nervous system during times of stress.
We are social creatures. We thrive in community and connection. Coregulation starts in the womb, and evolves throughout our lifetime. As a baby, our initial experiences with coregulation are shaped by the ways in which our primary caregivers attuned to our needs or distress. Acts like holding, cradling, humming, soothing an infant through bursts of tears and distress all serve as the precursor for teaching us how to manage emotions and process stress in our bodies.
Beyond the caregiver and child dynamic, coregulation continues to evolve and impact our lives. Have you walked into a room to notice an energy shift, be it a room bubbling with enthusiasm or the silence of grief? There is often a worldless experience we share. Attachment theory explains that our physiologies are intertwined. Our nervous systems are interconnected and impacted by each other, simply by sharing space. In fact research explains that the electromagnetic field of a person’s heart extends about three feet outside the body, thus impacting our ability for our hearts to drop into cooperation and coherence, and in turn signal messages to the brain to self-regulate.
Conscious co regulation has the power to:
Self-soothe and regulate one’s nervous system
Cultivate empathy, trust and connection
Provides a basic sense of safety in relationships
A Gestalt teacher once told me “safety enables growth.” There is an energetic snowball effect of feeling safe, that leads to vulnerability, willingness to open to intimacy and the ability to turn change into growth and resilience.
Below are various practices you might explore to cultivate greater connection through co-regulation.
6 Somatic Approaches to Co-regulation
Since co-regulation is a body to body consideration, these are somatic practices or body based approaches, but you could explore verbal and communication approaches as well.
Remember the nuance of each human: It is important to remember that each person’s nervous system is informed by their own unique collection of life experiences, so one practice may nourish one person but not the other. A valuable way to stay connected is to check in throughout the practice and/or after. Consider these all suggestions to try one.
Breath synchronization & resonance
It is said that simply sharing physical space with other beings brings our hearts into resonance. Breathing is another powerful way to support this attunement. A few simple breathing practices you can do together:
Sit back to back, so you can shift your awareness to each other’s breath patterns. Begin to inhale for a count of 4 and exhale for a count of 4. Continue for 3-5 minutes.
Sit facing each other. You may put your right hand on your partner’s heart and your left hand over their hand on your heart. The element of conscious touch can amplify the connection. In Yogic theory, the palm is an extension of the Heart Chakra or energy center. Do this while syncing your breath together. 4 count inhale, 4 count exhale. Read on to understand how facing each other and mirroring
Add in an audible sigh or hum, perhaps partake in a chanting meditation with each other. When we add a vibrational quality to the breath, this tones the vagus nerve and brings resonance to the two.
Mirroring & eye gazing
Have you noticed that even before locking gaze, there is already a mirroring that begins to happen in connection. We witness this with the way a smile spreads across a room, or how laughter and yawning become a shared experience. You may notice that you find your body language starts to mirror that of a person you’re settling into connection with.
Making and maintaining eye contact, especially with someone we already have trust or positive rapport with, this creates what’s called a neural duet between brains. Essentially, this practice activates the social engagement centers of the brain, releases oxytocin (the connection hormone) and vasopressin (another chemical that releases physiological stress.)
Light touch or massage.
A gesture as small as placing a hand on one’s shoulder or back can have a profound impact on sense of safety, care and ease. Other conscious touch such as holding hands adds light pressure to our sensory receptors called the pacinian corpuscles, which in turn stimulates the Vagus nerve and signals messages to lower heart rate, blood pressure and stress.
Hugging & Cuddling
Embracing and being embraced is a primal source of comfort and care. Conscious touch can be a powerful nervous system regulator that helps anchor the body when experiencing hyperarousal or frenetic and excess energy. Perhaps an odd analogy, but much like how a lightning conductor distributes the excess charge into the grounded mass of the Earth, as children we curl into the greater mass of a Mother (or parent figure) to discharge the feelings of distress. Hugging offers this way of allowing a partner's embrace to anchor and hold your activation, but it’s also an act that naturally secretes oxytocin that releases calmness, relaxation and bonding.
Partner stretching, partner yoga, dance or any body movement practice.
Dropping into coordinated rhythm with each other, amplified by mindful focus can help you regulate and attune to each other. Specifically, rhythmic motion of swaying, rocking, bouncing, dancing, or even walking is a way of dropping in sync.
Go for a walk in nature together.
Consider one a nervous system stack, (aka lots of tools combined). Walking is a form of bilateral stimulation. Bilateral stimulation impacts the brain and our physiology by activating the parasympathetic nervous system (our rest and digest response). It can an impactful tool in de-escalating or down-regulating oneself when the body is in fight or flight, or feeling highly activated. In addition, it increases serotonin and dopamine which contribute to feelings of wellbeing. Bilateral stimulation is used to reduce anxiety, reactivity to stress, and improve emotional regulation. Add walking, in sync with another being (think back to mirroring), against the backdrop of Nature which endless research explains it supports overall wellbeing, and you have a sweet melting pot of nervous system salve.
Other activities in this area could be, exercising together, taking a yoga class together or doing an outdoor sport.
Consider the above the tip of the iceberg in exploring the ways in which you can co-regulate, attune to the humans you love and resource your own nervous system in the process.
Sources & Further Reading
The Science of Holding Hands by George Szasz, CM, MD via BC Medical Journal
Neurophysiology of Human Touch and Eye Gaze in Therapeutic Relationships and Healing by Fiona Kerr et al & Adeline Nursing School
The Heart's Electromagnetic Field Is Your Superpower. Training heart-brain coherence. Via Psychology Today